i apologize for the lack of communication. it has taken all the energy i have to be present for my family now, so postings have been few and far between. we came home from the hospital on tuesday after a few days. the doctors did blood work and took lots of tests. everything turned up fine other than dehydration and hydrocephalus, again.
once she was hydrated and the shunt was adjusted to allow the flow of cerebral spinal fluid, she perked up and was much better.
the past few days my mom has been doing pretty well. she is communicative, aware, and interactive. as always, she continues to eat three good-sized meals per day.she has a sparkle in her eyes and a beautiful smile.
because of all the various issues we have had, my mom is unable to walk now, and is having issues with her speech. we are hoping these will resolve with the change in pressure in her brain, but we are uncertain. there are so many unknowns. and, there is a likelihood that many of the symptoms she has are due to disease progression, and not shunt issues. the neurosurgeon and oncologist are concerned that disease has spread to the meninges (lining) of the brain, which is very hard to cure. they believe we have had so many problems with hydrocephalus because of disease and not because of the shunt. malignant cells can take on a viscous quality, becoming sticky and clogging the valve of the shunt.
all of these physical changes and new information from the doctors are very hard for me and bill, and particularly for my mom. she is normally such a healthy, vibrant, eloquent woman. as always, she continues to progress with dignity, equanimity and grace. it is truly remarkable to witness.
we are now at a point of transition. my mom is clearly working hard on making a decision about whether to stay here with us or to move on.
i am open to the possibility that she needs to make the decision to leave now and i am trying so hard to be ok with that. i also know that i want her to stay here with us with every cell in my being. i vacillate between acceptance of all the potentialities of what may be and a sadness of such profundity that it shakes me to my core.
please continue to send us your healing thoughts and prayers. and, today, i ask something else from you. join me in honoring my mom and her choice, whatever it may be. send her love and light. give her the strength she needs to decide where she needs to be now, knowing that anything is possible. let her know how much you love her and how much her presence means to you. invite her to stay here with us. because this, too, is an option, and a choice she has.
mom...
may you continue to move with grace and ease.
may you be enrobed by all the many arms that are surrounding you with love and acceptance.
may you feel the love and healing light that emanates from us all and embraces you.
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2 comments:
thank you for being soooo brave in your honesty, sarah. all my love to you and bill and to your mom. I am praying for strength and grace for all three of you.
xoxo
Heather Brooks Freer
Sarah, I sent you an email to your yahoo account before I read the latest. While your last post leaves me feeling weak with sadness, I will aboslutely do exactly what I told you I would do in my email.Laura, The first 'funeral' I ever went to was up in Hyde Park with you, Sarah and Bill. I don't remember who passed away, but what I do remember was that you recognized how uncomfortable and frightened I was. You took me aside and we sat on the ground amongst the trees and talked. I don't remember what you said to me, but I can still feel the warmth and compassion with which you comforted me. Thank you for that - it was an early lesson that death was not something to be frightened of.Yolanda
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