Home from the Hospital

i apologize for the lack of communication. it has taken all the energy i have to be present for my family now, so postings have been few and far between. we came home from the hospital on tuesday after a few days. the doctors did blood work and took lots of tests. everything turned up fine other than dehydration and hydrocephalus, again.

once she was hydrated and the shunt was adjusted to allow the flow of cerebral spinal fluid, she perked up and was much better.

the past few days my mom has been doing pretty well. she is communicative, aware, and interactive. as always, she continues to eat three good-sized meals per day.she has a sparkle in her eyes and a beautiful smile.

because of all the various issues we have had, my mom is unable to walk now, and is having issues with her speech. we are hoping these will resolve with the change in pressure in her brain, but we are uncertain. there are so many unknowns. and, there is a likelihood that many of the symptoms she has are due to disease progression, and not shunt issues. the neurosurgeon and oncologist are concerned that disease has spread to the meninges (lining) of the brain, which is very hard to cure. they believe we have had so many problems with hydrocephalus because of disease and not because of the shunt. malignant cells can take on a viscous quality, becoming sticky and clogging the valve of the shunt.

all of these physical changes and new information from the doctors are very hard for me and bill, and particularly for my mom. she is normally such a healthy, vibrant, eloquent woman. as always, she continues to progress with dignity, equanimity and grace. it is truly remarkable to witness.

we are now at a point of transition. my mom is clearly working hard on making a decision about whether to stay here with us or to move on.

i am open to the possibility that she needs to make the decision to leave now and i am trying so hard to be ok with that. i also know that i want her to stay here with us with every cell in my being. i vacillate between acceptance of all the potentialities of what may be and a sadness of such profundity that it shakes me to my core.

please continue to send us your healing thoughts and prayers. and, today, i ask something else from you. join me in honoring my mom and her choice, whatever it may be. send her love and light. give her the strength she needs to decide where she needs to be now, knowing that anything is possible. let her know how much you love her and how much her presence means to you. invite her to stay here with us. because this, too, is an option, and a choice she has.

mom...

may you continue to move with grace and ease.

may you be enrobed by all the many arms that are surrounding you with love and acceptance.

may you feel the love and healing light that emanates from us all and embraces you.

in the hospital

just a quick note to tell you all that my mom is in the hospital here in santa fe. she was very dehydrated and the doctors discovered she had hydrocephalus again, as her ventricles aren't draining enough fluid. they changed the settings on the shunt yesterday and she is remarkably better today. she is in a very weakened state, sleeping a lot, just started eating again, and not really able to speak more than a word or two at a time. some of the doctors are concerned that there is disease in the meninges (lining) of her brain, which is not a good sign. we are hoping to go home tomorrow.

bill and i continue to hold hope and faith and an enormous amount of love. we are teetering on a precipice here. please send out as much love and healing energy towards my mom today and in the coming days as you can. she can feel it and it will help us get through this time.