Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
living in the moment
it feels as though my mom is making major progress and sometimes, the truth is, it feels like those changes aren't coming fast enough. all the practitioners who have worked with her have said they are seeing pretty significant changes in her vitality, cognition and life force. i think that when you're in it, it's hard to see those changes. i see glimpses of change. i know she wants to be here. she gets everything that is going on. i see the laura we all know and love. and those moments are so very precious to me.
i just got back to san francisco after being in santa fe for 4 weeks. it's both good and bad to be home. it's so hard to be away from my mom, because i feel like i am valuable to her now. but i am trying to keep my own life going, as well. we continue to do lots of work every day on healing. my mom does acupuncture 3x week, she is seeing an osteopath, bodyworkers, energy workers, she's drinking herbs, eating nutritious foods, doing physical therapy, trying to drink enough fluids each day. she has many visits from friends. her brain is working so hard. she is working so hard. and, she continues to do it all with grace and acceptance. we continue to work hard, as well. bill loves her so much and it is evident in his total commitment and devotion.
we'll plan to get another mri of the brain and spine in august and evaluate where we are at that time and whether there are any western treatments that make sense. i continue to do research on therapies and clinical trials, hoping that the right one will come along.
i'm learning so much in this experience. i'm learning that it's so important and so difficult not to have expectations of my mom. she is here. she's still my mom. she has wonderful moments. all of that is a gift. i'm learning that it is so difficult and so important to live in the present moment. i'm learning that it is hard and important to appreciate everything that our sweet lives have to offer each moment instead of always living in the future and the past and dwelling on what we don't have instead of what we do.
i know some of you have expressed concern that i am in denial or perhaps too optimistic. i am very much aware of all the possibilities we are facing here. i choose to hold hope and positivity as my guide. my friend carolyn said it well when speaking of her daughter, rosalie, who is going through a similar situation:
Just a note to those of us who see Rosalie and those of us who pray for Rosalie from a distance. Remember that Rosalie does not need our worries, our anxiety, our sadness about the situation. Rosalie needs encouragement, she needs optimism, she needs to feel like a normal child, she needs our inner belief that everything is going to be okay. Mark was listening to this segment on NPR about Jill bolte taylor who had a severe stroke. She made the most amazing recovery and she attributed it in part to a rule her mother made from the first day – if someone approached her hospital room in a slump, with a mopey expression, she turned them away at the door. She made a differentiation between energy givers and energy takers. Let us all be a community of energy givers to sweet Rosalie. She can do it, we can do it, and this cancer CAN be overcome.
my truth is that i'm hopeful and positive and i'm also terrified and sad. i know that if my mom is meant to be here, she will be healed. i hope and believe with every part of my being that this will be so. i also know that i can't make it be so. i can only do everything in my power and pray and hope and hold my mom in kindness, light and love at all times.
bill, my mom, and i started a virtual altar, of sorts over dinner one evening -- a place for our hopes and dreams of a possible outcome. if anyone has things to add, please do so in the comments section, or send them to me via email. here's what we've started:
Laura's list of lovely life likelihoods
- 982-8004 - that's my mom's work number. apparently they hold a business phone number for one year. so we're holding onto that number for july '09, in hopes of setting it up again.
- frida kahlo exhibit - there's a frida exhibit in san francisco that just opened and will be here until september 28. our goal is to see this exhibit together here in san francisco by the end of september.
- trips - oh the trips my mom and bill have taken and want to continue to take - animals in africa, food, wine and art in europe, camping, aspens and wildflowers in colorado, grandkids in portland, beaches and yoga in the caribbean, moose in the mountains.
- and this last one, perhaps is more selfishly for me. i long for my mother to one day hold my own child and experience that with me. i hold that visual in my heart and in my soul.
we continue to work on climbing out of the ditch we've fallen in. and we're working hard to do so. i continue to pray and hope for healing, kindness, peace, and joy for my mom. please join me in hopes and prayers for healing and recovery.
i'll leave you with a beautiful quote that kass atkinson gave me last week from a very profound writer and teacher i have learned so much from.
Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. Th miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment, to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now. Peace is all around us - in the world and in nature - and within us - in our bodies and in our spirits. Once we learn to touch this peace, we will be healed and transformed. It is not a matter of faith; it is a matter of practice.
- Thich Nhat Hanh
i just got back to san francisco after being in santa fe for 4 weeks. it's both good and bad to be home. it's so hard to be away from my mom, because i feel like i am valuable to her now. but i am trying to keep my own life going, as well. we continue to do lots of work every day on healing. my mom does acupuncture 3x week, she is seeing an osteopath, bodyworkers, energy workers, she's drinking herbs, eating nutritious foods, doing physical therapy, trying to drink enough fluids each day. she has many visits from friends. her brain is working so hard. she is working so hard. and, she continues to do it all with grace and acceptance. we continue to work hard, as well. bill loves her so much and it is evident in his total commitment and devotion.
we'll plan to get another mri of the brain and spine in august and evaluate where we are at that time and whether there are any western treatments that make sense. i continue to do research on therapies and clinical trials, hoping that the right one will come along.
i'm learning so much in this experience. i'm learning that it's so important and so difficult not to have expectations of my mom. she is here. she's still my mom. she has wonderful moments. all of that is a gift. i'm learning that it is so difficult and so important to live in the present moment. i'm learning that it is hard and important to appreciate everything that our sweet lives have to offer each moment instead of always living in the future and the past and dwelling on what we don't have instead of what we do.
i know some of you have expressed concern that i am in denial or perhaps too optimistic. i am very much aware of all the possibilities we are facing here. i choose to hold hope and positivity as my guide. my friend carolyn said it well when speaking of her daughter, rosalie, who is going through a similar situation:
Just a note to those of us who see Rosalie and those of us who pray for Rosalie from a distance. Remember that Rosalie does not need our worries, our anxiety, our sadness about the situation. Rosalie needs encouragement, she needs optimism, she needs to feel like a normal child, she needs our inner belief that everything is going to be okay. Mark was listening to this segment on NPR about Jill bolte taylor who had a severe stroke. She made the most amazing recovery and she attributed it in part to a rule her mother made from the first day – if someone approached her hospital room in a slump, with a mopey expression, she turned them away at the door. She made a differentiation between energy givers and energy takers. Let us all be a community of energy givers to sweet Rosalie. She can do it, we can do it, and this cancer CAN be overcome.
my truth is that i'm hopeful and positive and i'm also terrified and sad. i know that if my mom is meant to be here, she will be healed. i hope and believe with every part of my being that this will be so. i also know that i can't make it be so. i can only do everything in my power and pray and hope and hold my mom in kindness, light and love at all times.
bill, my mom, and i started a virtual altar, of sorts over dinner one evening -- a place for our hopes and dreams of a possible outcome. if anyone has things to add, please do so in the comments section, or send them to me via email. here's what we've started:
Laura's list of lovely life likelihoods
- 982-8004 - that's my mom's work number. apparently they hold a business phone number for one year. so we're holding onto that number for july '09, in hopes of setting it up again.
- frida kahlo exhibit - there's a frida exhibit in san francisco that just opened and will be here until september 28. our goal is to see this exhibit together here in san francisco by the end of september.
- trips - oh the trips my mom and bill have taken and want to continue to take - animals in africa, food, wine and art in europe, camping, aspens and wildflowers in colorado, grandkids in portland, beaches and yoga in the caribbean, moose in the mountains.
- and this last one, perhaps is more selfishly for me. i long for my mother to one day hold my own child and experience that with me. i hold that visual in my heart and in my soul.
we continue to work on climbing out of the ditch we've fallen in. and we're working hard to do so. i continue to pray and hope for healing, kindness, peace, and joy for my mom. please join me in hopes and prayers for healing and recovery.
i'll leave you with a beautiful quote that kass atkinson gave me last week from a very profound writer and teacher i have learned so much from.
Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. Th miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment, to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now. Peace is all around us - in the world and in nature - and within us - in our bodies and in our spirits. Once we learn to touch this peace, we will be healed and transformed. It is not a matter of faith; it is a matter of practice.
- Thich Nhat Hanh
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
NOTHING is incurable
Hello everyone – Well, I finally decided to break down and create a blog. I think that on some level I hoped this journey would be so quick and painless that a few emails would suffice. Alas, seven months into the process and we still have miles to go.
I wanted to give everyone an update since I’ve been back in Santa Fe and we’ve been focusing on a new path to healing.
My company has been very understanding and agreed to let me come home and work remotely the past couple of weeks so I could help get things going here with my mom.
Since I’ve been here things have been moving in a good direction, although we seem to be moving with baby steps. My mom is eating a lot, her mentation is getting better, her face and eyes look clearer, and she is much stronger. Additionally her mind/body connection seems to be improving and we’re noticing that in various ways. Our goal right now is to build up her strength and vitality and get her synapses firing so that her body can rid itself of the cancer and her mind can heal.
Here’s what we’ve been doing:
Acupuncture/Herbs
we found an amazing acupuncturist through an old friend of our family who has had miraculous results in clearing supposedly untreatable cancer from his body since he started seeing her. Cissy is based in Ashville, NC, but has a house here so she spends time here every 5 weeks or so. She also has an apprentice here in santa fe who is quite a good acupuncturist in his own right. Bill and I have both felt extremely hopeful since we’ve started seeing Cissy. She actually treats cancer through Chinese medicine and herbs and feels strongly that this IS treatable.
Bodywork /Healers/ Energy Work
My mom’s neck and shoulders have been very sore due to bad posture and probably lack of regular movement. After all, she’s used to yoga 4x week and now she’s relatively sedentary. We do try to take walks almost every day. We’ve been seeing a few different bodyworkers , massage, cranio-sacral, osteopathy. We’ve also been working with a couple of different healers and energy workers.
But truly there’s nothing like the love and support from me and Bill, as well as from all my mom’s friends and family to help keep her going. The outpouring of love and support continues to be amazing. My email list is up to almost 300 people.
This time for me has been a blessing and also very hard. It’s very difficult to see my mom in a debilitated state. It’s also hard to see a smart intellectual woman whose brain isn’t functioning as she’d like it to be. And, it’s wonderful for me to spend so much one-on-one time with my mom. I know how much my being here helps her. That cord between a mother and daughter is so incredibly strong.
We continue to have small gifts and miracles each day. And I believe that none of them are coincidences. My mother’s biological mother died when she was only 3 years old from polio. My mom has always wanted to know more about that family. Yesterday, we received an email from someone we had never met, nor heard of before who introduced herself as a member of our extended family. She sent us a family tree with close to 40 names on it, including our own. She sent us the marriage certificate of my grandfather and grandmother, as well as the WWI draft papers of my great grandfather. My mom was interested to hear all about the various people on the family tree and any info I had received. . It’s linking the family and coming full circle at an important time.
My parents’ rabbi came over to visit last week and brought us a book by a rabbi from LA named Harld M. Schulweis. . After she left, I opened the book of poems randomly to a page. The poem on the page I opened to is entitled “On the Miracle of Recovery”. Here is the second half of that poem:
When illness threatens song and laughter,
Casting its shadow over our promise;
When inner turbulence, bleak and painful
Murders all hope;
When fear, gray, foreboding,
Contracts the surge of human spirit,
I pray:
Give me spine, heart, and wisdom.
Open my eyes to see wonder
Open my ears to hear sounds.
Inhale through my nostrils new fragrance.
Walk with my own feet.
Open my mouth with thanksgiving.
Witness to every natural moment
That raises me from melancholy to transcendence.
Blessed the godliness present in all things and ways
Blessed the fortune that has enabled me to live in the midst of family,
To reach this day in the presence of friends,
With the benedictions of community.
Blessed the hidden miracles I daily uncover,
The renewal that helps me lift the stone from frightened heart.
Blessed the remembrance of yesterday’s remission
and tomorrow’s promise.
Blessed the gifts we exchange with each other
Morning, noon, and night.
And so with that I pray…..
I pray for the miracle of recovery
I pray that we all gain wisdom from this time
I pray that my mom’s healing is gentle and kind
I pray that each day becomes a little easier
I pray that my mom may let go of what no longer serves her
I pray that the cancer cells fall away as easily and delicately as spring blossoms from the trees
I know that my mom’s brain and body know exactly what to do to heal.
And I also know that NOTHING is incurable.
I wanted to give everyone an update since I’ve been back in Santa Fe and we’ve been focusing on a new path to healing.
My company has been very understanding and agreed to let me come home and work remotely the past couple of weeks so I could help get things going here with my mom.
Since I’ve been here things have been moving in a good direction, although we seem to be moving with baby steps. My mom is eating a lot, her mentation is getting better, her face and eyes look clearer, and she is much stronger. Additionally her mind/body connection seems to be improving and we’re noticing that in various ways. Our goal right now is to build up her strength and vitality and get her synapses firing so that her body can rid itself of the cancer and her mind can heal.
Here’s what we’ve been doing:
Acupuncture/Herbs
we found an amazing acupuncturist through an old friend of our family who has had miraculous results in clearing supposedly untreatable cancer from his body since he started seeing her. Cissy is based in Ashville, NC, but has a house here so she spends time here every 5 weeks or so. She also has an apprentice here in santa fe who is quite a good acupuncturist in his own right. Bill and I have both felt extremely hopeful since we’ve started seeing Cissy. She actually treats cancer through Chinese medicine and herbs and feels strongly that this IS treatable.
Bodywork /Healers/ Energy Work
My mom’s neck and shoulders have been very sore due to bad posture and probably lack of regular movement. After all, she’s used to yoga 4x week and now she’s relatively sedentary. We do try to take walks almost every day. We’ve been seeing a few different bodyworkers , massage, cranio-sacral, osteopathy. We’ve also been working with a couple of different healers and energy workers.
But truly there’s nothing like the love and support from me and Bill, as well as from all my mom’s friends and family to help keep her going. The outpouring of love and support continues to be amazing. My email list is up to almost 300 people.
This time for me has been a blessing and also very hard. It’s very difficult to see my mom in a debilitated state. It’s also hard to see a smart intellectual woman whose brain isn’t functioning as she’d like it to be. And, it’s wonderful for me to spend so much one-on-one time with my mom. I know how much my being here helps her. That cord between a mother and daughter is so incredibly strong.
We continue to have small gifts and miracles each day. And I believe that none of them are coincidences. My mother’s biological mother died when she was only 3 years old from polio. My mom has always wanted to know more about that family. Yesterday, we received an email from someone we had never met, nor heard of before who introduced herself as a member of our extended family. She sent us a family tree with close to 40 names on it, including our own. She sent us the marriage certificate of my grandfather and grandmother, as well as the WWI draft papers of my great grandfather. My mom was interested to hear all about the various people on the family tree and any info I had received. . It’s linking the family and coming full circle at an important time.
My parents’ rabbi came over to visit last week and brought us a book by a rabbi from LA named Harld M. Schulweis. . After she left, I opened the book of poems randomly to a page. The poem on the page I opened to is entitled “On the Miracle of Recovery”. Here is the second half of that poem:
When illness threatens song and laughter,
Casting its shadow over our promise;
When inner turbulence, bleak and painful
Murders all hope;
When fear, gray, foreboding,
Contracts the surge of human spirit,
I pray:
Give me spine, heart, and wisdom.
Open my eyes to see wonder
Open my ears to hear sounds.
Inhale through my nostrils new fragrance.
Walk with my own feet.
Open my mouth with thanksgiving.
Witness to every natural moment
That raises me from melancholy to transcendence.
Blessed the godliness present in all things and ways
Blessed the fortune that has enabled me to live in the midst of family,
To reach this day in the presence of friends,
With the benedictions of community.
Blessed the hidden miracles I daily uncover,
The renewal that helps me lift the stone from frightened heart.
Blessed the remembrance of yesterday’s remission
and tomorrow’s promise.
Blessed the gifts we exchange with each other
Morning, noon, and night.
And so with that I pray…..
I pray for the miracle of recovery
I pray that we all gain wisdom from this time
I pray that my mom’s healing is gentle and kind
I pray that each day becomes a little easier
I pray that my mom may let go of what no longer serves her
I pray that the cancer cells fall away as easily and delicately as spring blossoms from the trees
I know that my mom’s brain and body know exactly what to do to heal.
And I also know that NOTHING is incurable.
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