Thursday, July 17, 2008

living in the moment

it feels as though my mom is making major progress and sometimes, the truth is, it feels like those changes aren't coming fast enough. all the practitioners who have worked with her have said they are seeing pretty significant changes in her vitality, cognition and life force. i think that when you're in it, it's hard to see those changes. i see glimpses of change. i know she wants to be here. she gets everything that is going on. i see the laura we all know and love. and those moments are so very precious to me.

i just got back to san francisco after being in santa fe for 4 weeks. it's both good and bad to be home. it's so hard to be away from my mom, because i feel like i am valuable to her now. but i am trying to keep my own life going, as well. we continue to do lots of work every day on healing. my mom does acupuncture 3x week, she is seeing an osteopath, bodyworkers, energy workers, she's drinking herbs, eating nutritious foods, doing physical therapy, trying to drink enough fluids each day. she has many visits from friends. her brain is working so hard. she is working so hard. and, she continues to do it all with grace and acceptance. we continue to work hard, as well. bill loves her so much and it is evident in his total commitment and devotion.

we'll plan to get another mri of the brain and spine in august and evaluate where we are at that time and whether there are any western treatments that make sense. i continue to do research on therapies and clinical trials, hoping that the right one will come along.

i'm learning so much in this experience. i'm learning that it's so important and so difficult not to have expectations of my mom. she is here. she's still my mom. she has wonderful moments. all of that is a gift. i'm learning that it is so difficult and so important to live in the present moment. i'm learning that it is hard and important to appreciate everything that our sweet lives have to offer each moment instead of always living in the future and the past and dwelling on what we don't have instead of what we do.

i know some of you have expressed concern that i am in denial or perhaps too optimistic. i am very much aware of all the possibilities we are facing here. i choose to hold hope and positivity as my guide. my friend carolyn said it well when speaking of her daughter, rosalie, who is going through a similar situation:

Just a note to those of us who see Rosalie and those of us who pray for Rosalie from a distance. Remember that Rosalie does not need our worries, our anxiety, our sadness about the situation. Rosalie needs encouragement, she needs optimism, she needs to feel like a normal child, she needs our inner belief that everything is going to be okay. Mark was listening to this segment on NPR about Jill bolte taylor who had a severe stroke. She made the most amazing recovery and she attributed it in part to a rule her mother made from the first day – if someone approached her hospital room in a slump, with a mopey expression, she turned them away at the door. She made a differentiation between energy givers and energy takers. Let us all be a community of energy givers to sweet Rosalie. She can do it, we can do it, and this cancer CAN be overcome.

my truth is that i'm hopeful and positive and i'm also terrified and sad. i know that if my mom is meant to be here, she will be healed. i hope and believe with every part of my being that this will be so. i also know that i can't make it be so. i can only do everything in my power and pray and hope and hold my mom in kindness, light and love at all times.

bill, my mom, and i started a virtual altar, of sorts over dinner one evening -- a place for our hopes and dreams of a possible outcome. if anyone has things to add, please do so in the comments section, or send them to me via email. here's what we've started:

Laura's list of lovely life likelihoods

- 982-8004 - that's my mom's work number. apparently they hold a business phone number for one year. so we're holding onto that number for july '09, in hopes of setting it up again.

- frida kahlo exhibit - there's a frida exhibit in san francisco that just opened and will be here until september 28. our goal is to see this exhibit together here in san francisco by the end of september.

- trips - oh the trips my mom and bill have taken and want to continue to take - animals in africa, food, wine and art in europe, camping, aspens and wildflowers
in colorado, grandkids in portland, beaches and yoga in the caribbean, moose in the mountains.

- and this last one, perhaps is more selfishly for me. i long for my mother to one day hold my own child and experience that with me. i hold that visual in my heart and in my soul.

we continue to work on climbing out of the ditch we've fallen in. and we're working hard to do so. i continue to pray and hope for healing, kindness, peace, and joy for my mom. please join me in hopes and prayers for healing and recovery.

i'll leave you with a beautiful quote that kass atkinson gave me last week from a very profound writer and teacher i have learned so much from.

Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. Th miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment, to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now. Peace is all around us - in the world and in nature - and within us - in our bodies and in our spirits. Once we learn to touch this peace, we will be healed and transformed. It is not a matter of faith; it is a matter of practice.

- Thich Nhat Hanh

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sweet Sarah, your transparency in this process is a gift to us all. You're allowing us to learn through you, and I'm grateful. I love the image of you, your mom, and your child all together. I'll hold that in my heart.
Much, much love, Sally

Rosalie Reibel said...

Sarah-

Thank you so much for sharing this experience through your blog. We are all richer to have read your words. For better or worse, cancer truly does force us to live in the moment. Perhaps this is cancer's gift.

Love,
Carolyn, Mark, Rosalie, and Susannah

Unknown said...

My Dearest Sarah,

Thank you so much for sharing your self so honestly and eloquently. I am continually awed and humbled by your grace.

We are holding you, your mom and bill in our heart of hearts, surrounded by pure, healing love and light.

Shona, Forrest and Walker

Yo said...

Sarah,

I have been thinking about my 20 year high school reunion and that led me to thoughts of you. I did some google-ing and found this site.

I am so incredibly saddened to read about your mom's illness. I have amazing, vivid memories of both your mom and Bill. I remember spending many a night sleeping in a tent while your home in hyde park was being built. I remember your mom sitting down and telling us we were only to poop in the outhouse - not pee in there. I peed in there and she gave us the talk again . . . it was obvious it was me that had ignored the rule.

I will be thinking positive, happy thoughts for you, Laura and Bill. I can't imagine people more deserving of a miracle.

In Health,
Yolanda Ortega-Gammill
Childhood friend from Wood Gormely

Rosalie Reibel said...

We are thinking of you here in San Francisco.

Sending lots of love and hugs,
Carolyn, Mark, Rosy, Susannah